Chrissary

250 Charm: Obscure reference to a highly charismatic individual. Most often seen written in one's breath on a pane of glass in cold weather.
Ex: Anne Hathaway has 250 Charm. Origin: Ancient BBS-based pseudo-RPG, Legend of the Red Dragon.

404 (adj): Refers to someone who's not all there or someone who's not where they're supposed to be. Can also be used to refer to a coworker who's absent from work. Haverhill local Crazy Mike is 404.
Ex: "Barry's 404 today. Asian bird flu or something."

Asshat (n, adj): Derivative of "asshole." Slightly more fun.
Origin: FARK.com, as near as I can tell.

Bag (n): The skin. Keeps your goo in.

Balls (n, adj, adv, int): 1. The testicles.
2. General negative statement; synonymous with "damn" or "aw, crap." Also commonly "ballsack."
3. Used for emphasis.
Ex: "It's hot as balls out here" or "Man, that sword is sharp as balls."

Balls, the (n): See quotes page. Refers to flashing one's testicles at someone in a humourous fashion; rendered "giving the balls" or "getting the balls."

Beetis, the (n): Diabetes, shortened from The Brim's pronunciation ("diabeetis")..

Biznicknizunizack (n): What I called my old Buick. I'm not really sure why. (Pronounced "biz-ick-niz-OO-niz-ack" and often stretched to far more syllables than this.)

Black & Decker (n): The ultimate extrapolation of 'tool,' this is the Sixth Tool-Equivalent Degree. See the Tool Equivalency Theorem.

Bonus (int): Expression of happiness mixed with surprise. Most often synonymous with "Wow, cool!"

Boxigami (n): The ancient Oriental art of cutting a box down to a smaller size; used to refer to ensmallenating a box for shipments.

Brim, the (n): Wilford Brimley, spokesman for Liberty Medical, walrus lookalike and longtime sufferer of The Beetis.

CFM boots (n): 'Come-Fuck-Me' boots. Boots worn by women in an attempt to get someone to do the obvious. Usually tall and accompanied by a very small skirt. See also FMS.
Clarification: My fiancee tells me that they're called that because they're tall and the draw the eye up to the vaj. Consider that as you will.

Closure (n): A piece of chocolate eaten after dinner. It provides...well, you get it.

Cocktooth (n, adj): Sometimes used in the second-person to indicate a particular person; other times used as a direct insult.
Ex: "Yo, cocktooth, grab me a soda."

Cock-length mirror (n): Refers to the mirrors in hotel-roon bathrooms that are so long you can see your own penis while you're peeing.

Cybored (adj): When you're bored and surfing the internet. The term applies equally whether you're surfing because you're bored or you're bored because you're surfing. (Also rendered "cybörd" or "cyb0red.")

Deuce (n, adj): Poop. More commonly used as a verb to indicate the act of pooping (also referred to as "dropping a deuce").

Demonose (n): Domino's Pizza.
Origin: I believe this started as a "creative" (read "intentionally stupid") mispronunciation.

Ding! (int): 1.) Announces the end of one's work shift or the beginning of a break. 2.) Expression of surprise, roughly synonymous with "bonus!" 3.) Used to indicate sarcasm or joking intent after a statement that may not have been received as humorous. 4.) Used to indicate an increase in level, in an RPG context.

Dork heis (n): Synonymous with "über-dork." Indicative of a higher level of dorkiness. Generally unique: "He's the dork heis." (Heis is pronounced to rhyme with "twice.")
Origin: I originally typo'd the phrase "what a dork he is;" true credit for the creation of the phrase belongs to a mysterious individual known only as "Mizter Fuz."

Douchenozzle (n, adj): See cocktooth. Alternate form of "douchebag." (I like to think that the nozzle is more intimate than the bag, so this is a greater insult.)

Epic (adj): Really great, very good, unbelievably awesome, etc. Also commonly "epic-level."
Origin: The Dungeons & Dragons Epic-Level Handbook, which describes games above and beyond the normal power scope of the game.

E-shit (n): Generally refers to diarrhea, though it's used to refer to any time when you have to make a mad rush to the bathroom.
Origin: Shortened form of "emergency shit."

Executive Pissoir (n): The restroom. Generally used to refer to the men's room.
Origin: [adult swim] classic Harvey Birdman, Attorney At Law.

Extra Virginia (n): The state of West Virginia.
Origin: I decided once that referring to it as "West Virginia" was weird, because it's basically arbitrary (it could just as easily have been North Virginia).

Eye, the (n): Refers to the condition of having eyes mismatched in size or direction. The term originated in application to Rufus Sewell, but has since expanded to cover and case of one eye being larger or smaller than the other.

Funk (int): G-rated version of my favorite word. More often than not used in an ironic sense. Generally written "funque."

Gank (v, int): To steal. Also used as an interjection when stealing and, in MMO terminology, refers to being unfairly attacked and/or killed by another player.
Ex: "Ooh, Guinness. Gank!"

Ghetto (adj): Poor quality; low value. Also used as an expression of disapproval; a synonym for "lame."

Ginormous (adj): Big. No, bigger than that. Really, really big.

Goosen (n pl.): This is the proper plural of "goose" (in reference to the bird). I don't care what your mother says.

Grabass (n): Usually rendered "playing grabass." Refers to a person or people wasting time doing something stupid.

Grandma/Grandpa/Gramps (n): Used to refer to someone driving incredibly slowly or otherwise like a very old person.
Ex: "Hey, Grandma, can we speed it up? I'd like to get home before my license expires."

Hardcore (int): A term of emphatic agreement.
Jay: "These crispy fries are excellent."
Græme: "Hardcore."

Hawt (adj): Creative misspelling of "hot." I like to think this is more emphatic.

He/she rides a lot of bikes: Used to describe a grossly overweight person, though generally only one who refuses to admit it.
Origin: This is a common excuse for LARPers and ren-faire folks. It explains why they can't wear boots or shoes in less than size fourteen.

Hellz No Button (n): A mythological button which, when pressed, causes the thing in question to immediately stop what it's doing. Opposite of the "Just Go" Button.

I'd hit it/that: Vulgar slang for "I'd like to engage in sexual congress with that person." Multiple variations; most common ones include "I'd fire my weapon down that range" and "I'd throw my hotdog down that hallway."
Origin: FARK.com, near as I can tell.

Imaginez cette: Literal French translation of "imagine that." Used to indicate mild surprise or the lack thereof. Also commonly imaginez ma surprise!

Infrastructure (n): A woman's support garment.
Ex: "Whoa. That gal's not wearing any infrastructure."

J-Bomb (n, v): Male ejaculate. Often rendered "dropping the j-bomb." Derived from the slang term "jism."

Jibblies, the (n): Synonym for 'the heebie-jeebies.' That shuddery, creepy feeling you get when you see/hear/feel something that's just wrong.
Origin: Strong Bad email. (I don't remember which one.)

Jones (n, v): noun: an urge to do something or a strong desire for something. verb: to desire something.
Ex: I currently have a strong jones on for a good D&D game.

"Just Go" Button (n): The mythological button which, when pressed, causes the thing in question to skip over any preamble/boring parts and get right to the good stuff or do what it's supposed to do. Opposite of the "Hellz No" Button.
Origin: I hate that I have to press Forward three times, then Menu, then Play just to watch a DVD.

Kizbörd (n): Keyboard; either a computer's or the instrument, though the latter is usually "keys."

Meh (int): A dismissive sound. Usually used to indicate a lack of interest, quality, or impressiveness.
Origin: Futurama.

Moosen (n pl.): This is the proper plural of "moose." Your third-grade teacher was wrong.

Motherfucker (n): Synonymous with "thing."
Ex: "Pass me that shiny motherfucker."

Nine balls (n): Something that's really awesome "has nine balls."
Origin: Adam Foster (Australian for "weak").

Nintendo-hard (adj): Really, really hard. Incredibly, frustratingly hard. Generally refers to video games, but can be used for any situation or activity that's mind-bogglingly difficult.
Origin: This refers to the early days of Nintendo, when many, many games required a deific level of patience and stubbornness to complete (sometimes, just to play).

Ninth Guy (n): Refers to somebody who's essentially extraneous or a member of a group who doesn't actually contribute to said group.
Origin: The ninth member of the ska band The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, who doesn't play an instrument or sing; he just dances frenetically around while the band does the hard work.

Not in my campaign (int): Used to refer to things that wouldn't occur if the speaker were running reality. Occasionally abbreviated to "NIMC."
Origin: Jay and I say this a lot to refer to undesirable concepts in D&D supplements, but it's evolved to cover anything with which we don't agree. Originally, there were legendary NIMC Gnomes which would, when instructed, stamp a paragraph, page, or book with a large "NIMC" stamp.

NNNN (n, adj): Refers to something from another country. In reference to a person, it's "NNNNer." (Get it?)

Opening the Fun Valve (v): When you're laughing and having a good time and someone says something that, for whatever reason, seems to suck all the fun out of the area, they've opened the Fun Valve. The most common side effect of the Fun Valve being opened is pirate fun.

PHB-heavy (adj): Used to describe something very heavy; usually refers to something much heavier than it should be.
Origin: The Dungeons & Dragons Players' Handbook lists grossly incorrect weights for common medieval weaponry. One day, I picked up a sword that turned out to be much weightier than it should have been and referred to it as "...like, PHB-heavy."

P.Gino's (n): Papa Gino's.
Origin: Sort of a play on Sean Combs' ridiculous appellation "P.Diddy."

Pirate Fun (n): When the Fun Valve gets opened, all the escaped fun has to go somewhere. If you've ever been overcome by a strange and seemingly originless bout of laughter or joy, you've just enjoyed Pirate Fun.

"Pointy end goes in the other man": The only proper response to "Do you know how to use that?" or "Do you know how this works?" Very long form of "of course" and slightly more polite than "Well, duh."

Ranger Hand Signals (n): United States Army Rangers have a special set of 'code' hand gestures similar to sign language which they can use to communicate in silence. Recently, we've taken to assigning obscure, ludicrous gestures to common phrases for much the same reason.

Reserve Celebrity Hookup (n): This is the celebrity your significant other is supposed to let you sleep with if you ever get the chance. (I once maintained a list, figuring that once I'd gotten one, I'd throw the whole list away.)

SCAbie (n): Refers to a member of the Society for Creative Anachronism. Derisive in the extreme.

Shart (v): This is the unfortunate situation that occurs when you attempt to let out a fart and it comes with solid material.

Sitting here with my thumb up my ass (v): Wasting time; doing nothing important. Also rendered in the second person as "sitting there with your thumb up your ass."

Slot-to-tab ratio (n): Refers to the number of women to men in a given area. A high slot-to-tab ratio is generally desirable.

Smackbuster (n): Blockbuster Video. Alternative appellations include "Nutbuster" and "The 'buster."

Snap! (int): Generally a synonym for "touchè" or a response to a comment about someone's mother. Also rendered "Oh, snap!"

Softcore dick (n): A softcore-porn couple will sometimes engage in sexual positions which are completely impossible unless the guy has a three-foot, prehensile dolphin dick. Hence the term.
Ex: "Wait, so they're standing back-to-back having sex? Softcore dick!"

Special effects (n): Synonym for "shart." Refers to a fart with...visual effects.

Take a wicked yes (v): To urinate.
Origin: Family Guy. Peter is learning French and is highly amused that the French for "yes" sounds like "weewee."

Tetris (v): To match; to fit; to make something fit perfectly into a relatively tight space. Also used to refer to things making sense in relation to one another.
Ex: "You've got to tetris those boxes into this closet so we can close the door."

Toolbox (n, adj): A tool, but moreso; this is the Second Tool-Equivalent Degree. See also cocktooth and the Tool Equivalency Theorem.

Touching myself (or yourself) (v): Wasting time.
Ex: "Am I doing anything? Hell no; just touching myself."

Uninstall (v): To fire or remove. Can also be used in the passive sense. Lately used to refer to demolition of a building.
Ex: "Where's Bill? Oh, he got uninstalled after last week's events with the sponges."

"We didn't go to school with her, and she wasn't in softcore" (int): This is the proper response to give me whenever I say "That girl looks familiar." Occasionally "You didn't..." and sometimes refers to a guy.
Origin: For some reason, whenever I see a young lady who looks familiar, I (apparently) assume I've either shared an academic institution with her or that she's been a performer in an HBO late-night softcore pornography special. I don't know why.

"Well-played, clerk. Well-played." (int): Expression of approval or commendation.
Origin: Clerks: The Animated Series.

Wiener bomb (n): General interjection. Usually a victory shout/taunt.
Origin: My home away from home, Gamers With Jobs. Originally attributed to Podunk and later made into a bath soap.

Woot (int): General positive interjection. Usually written "w00t!"

Yambag (n): The testicles (specifically, the sac which contains them).
Origin: Andrew "Dice" Clay, who I otherwise have no use for.

"Yeah, you'we pwobabwy wight": General term of agreement.
Origin: HomestarRunner.com cartoon.

Yohimbe (n): My erstwhile (and much-beloved) 1990 Chevy Lumina sedan. No relation to the sexual stimulant. (Pronounced "yo-HIM-bay," in this case.)

Yoink (v, int): To steal. Also used as an interjection while stealing.
Ex: "Aw, cheese fries? Yoink!"

Your Mom's box (int): Vulgar reference to the target's mother's vagina. Generally used as a parting salutation.
Origin: Opie & Anthony radio show, circa 2003.

Zone (n): Popcorn.
Origin: High school. A friend of mine always got popcorn at lunch, and he resented anyone stealing it. When our friend Jim managed to steal several pieces, he announced that he was 'in the zone.' Some time later, after repeated occurrences, it got shortened to 'zone.'

Carcolepsy (n): An affliction characterized by an inability to stay awake while in a moving vehicle.
Originally attributed to Danielle Cochrane.

Pimpersonation (n): Altering one's appearance and/or mannerisms to appear cooler, more affluent, or more pimpalicious.
Originally attributed to Faith Morrill.

The Tool Equivalency Theorem

Some of you have no doubt heard the term 'tool' used in a derogatory sense. When I worked at Borders, one of my supervisors and a dear friend of mine used the term 'toolbox' a lot. I don't know if it was an attempt to sanitize the word a bit, or if it conveyed a higher degree of tool-ness. In any event, I decided it was fun to use it in the latter sense, and at some point, my darling fiancee and I decided there should be higher degrees of tool-ness. Thus, the Tool Equivalency Theorem, which follows:

Tool < Toolbox < Toolshed < Hardware Store < Home Depot < Black & Decker*