Ever wonder about the dumb shit I say?

Actually, that's a lie; I don't give a fuck if you like it.

250 Charm (adj)
Obscure reference to a highly charismatic or physically attractive person. Most often seen written on a pane of glass in the fog caused by one's breath during cold weather.
Ancient BBS-based pseudo-RPG, Legend of the Red Dragon.

404 (adj)
Refers to someone who's not all there or someone who's not where they're supposed to be. Can also be used to refer to a coworker who's absent from work. Haverhill local "Crazy Mike" is 404.
WWW error code 404 (Object not found).

Anti-stink
1. (n) Deodorant. 2. (v) The application thereof.

Bag (n)
The skin. Keeps in your goo.

Balls, the (n)
Refers to showing someone your testicles in a humorous fashion, rendered "giving the balls" or "getting the balls."
See Quotes Page.

Bean (n)
One hundred dollars; "four beans" is $400, etc.
Sven's friend Joe Whirley. (Apparently this is actually his name.)

Beardruff (n)
Dandruff of the beard.

Beetis, the (n)
Diabetes mellitus.
Wilford "The Brim" Brimley, spokesman for Liberty Medical, hocker of diabetes supplies, and bearer of stony fingertips.

Biznicknizunizackackack, the (n)
During high school, it became fashionable amongst my circle to interject the letter Z into various words. I'm not altogether certain why. In this case, my Buick Century somehow ended up with quite a few extra syllables and extraneous Zs. The above representation is intended for example purposes only; the word never had a set format and would often stretch on for several seconds.

Boxigami (v)
The ancient Chinese art of cutting a cardboard box down to a smaller size for shipping purposes.

'Buster, the (n); Smackbuster; Nutbuster
Video-rental chain Blockbuster Video.

Closure (n)
A piece of chocolate eaten after one's meal. Theoretically synonymous with "dessert," though "closure" implies a smaller amount.
Sara from Borders.

Cock-length mirror (n)
Refers to the mirrors in hotel-room bathrooms. Generally, these mirrors are large enough that one can gaze upon his own penis while urinating. (Whether this is good or bad is, of course, at the user's discretion.)

Cybored (adj); cybörd; cyb0red
Applies equally to boredom suffered as a result of aimless Web-wandering or boredom you're attempting to alleviate by surfing the Tubes.

D, the (n); D-minos; Demonose
Domino's Pizza.
The second form is a "creative" (read "intentionally stupid") mispronunciation; the third is a corruption of that form made by someone who'd never seen it in writing.

D² (n)
Dunkin' Donuts.
I know this one wasn't originally mine, but fuck if I remember where or when I first heard it.

Ding! (int)
1. Announces the end of one's work shift or the beginning of a break. 2. Used to indicate that a preceding statement was intended as humorous; roughly synonymous with, "Kidding!"
The first usage can be attributed to Faith, though why it came about I don't know. The second is an evolution based on a rule I once had requiring D&D players to raise their hands when speaking out of character. Our friend Cephalopod James (née Jimmy the Squid) would forget this and shout "Ding!" afterwards, which I eventually allowed to function the same way.

Dork heis (adj)
Rhymes with "mice" and indicates an unusually high level of dorkiness. Generally unique to a particular instance or encounter; there can be many dork heisi in concurrent existence, but not among a given group.
I left out the space in "what a dork he is," which caused Faith to think I'd coined a term. It stuck and still sees occasional use, though it's never been used outside our conversations and can thus be considered an inside joke rather than a lexical oddity. Nevertheless, fuck you.

Epicest (adj)
The most epic. Used in the same sense as "epic," (which has really become the "gnarly" of the '00s) only moreso.

E-shit (n, v)
Originally a shortened form of "emergency shit," referring to any time you'd need to make a mad dash to the restroom. The term has since evolved to cover diarrhea in general, for relatively obvious reasons.
Jay once referred to the Will Smith/Gene Hackman "techno-thriller" Enemy of the State as "E-State," which caused a number of interesting initializations in our little shared vocabulary.

Executive Pissoir (n)
The restroom. Generally refers to the men's room.
[adult swim] classic Harvey Birdman, Attorney At Law.

Extra Virginia (n)
The State of West Virginia.

Eye, the (n)
Refers to eyes mismatched in size, shape, or direction. Originally used to refer to Rufus Sewell, its use expanded to cover Forest Whitaker as well, after which point it evolved to include just about any mismatched eyes.

Garfield (v); Garfielding
Consuming one's repast with extreme gusto.
After the portly feline of the same name, in reference to his eating habits involving both paws and a shoveling motion.

Gloom cookie (n)
Goth person.
The comic of the same name (though I'll admit I've never read it).

Goo (n)
Bodily fluids, internal organs, etc. What your bag keeps in.

Guitbox (n); gitbox
A guitar (though never a bass guitar; the jury's out on baritones).

Hardcore (int)
A term of emphatic agreement.

Hellz No Button (n)
A (sadly) mythical button which, when pressed, would cause the thing in question to immediately stop what it's doing. Currently exists in the form of dead man's switches, but bringing this technology to DVD players, yappy dogs, and politicians would greatly benefit the world at large. (The Hellz No Button can be considered to be the opposite of the Just Go Button.)

"I ride a lot of bikes."
Used to describe someone grossly overweight who is apparently unaware of it or who makes elaborate and worthless excuses for it.
Some LARPer used this phrase to explain why he needed size-14EEE boots.

Imaginez cette! (int); Imaginez ma surprise!
Literal French translation of "imagine that" or "imagine my surprise." Implies a lack of actual surprise.

Infrastructure (n)
A brassiere or other ladies' support garment.

Irish D, the (n)
McDonald's.
It's the "Irish D" to differentiate it from "the D," which might otherwise be "the Italian D, starring Marky Mark and Jack Bauer's dad."

J-Bomb (n)
Male ejaculate.
Derived from "jism" by way of "jizz."

Jibblies, the (n)
Synonymous with "the heebie-jeebies;" describes the creepy, shuddery feeling you get witnessing something unnatural or otherwise jus' wrong.
Strong Bad e-mails.

Just Go Button (n)
A mythical button which, when pressed, would cause the thing in question to skip over any preamble/exposition/other boring parts and get right to the good stuff. Useful for lazy lovers and folks who get stuck in rush-hour traffic. Can be considered the opposite of the Hellz No Button.
I used to wish for such a button when watching DVDs at Jay's house; I hate that, in order to watch a film, I have to press Forward three times, then Menu twice, then Forward again, then Play, all while hoping the planets are in the proper conjunction and trying to remember to point my thumbs to the West while initiating the Sacred Chant.

Kizbörd (n)
The keyboard, though generally not the musical instrument.
I like umlauts, for some reason.

Like a DOOM level (in here)
Used to refer to flickering, blinking, or otherwise inconstant lighting.

Mother sense, the (n)
AKA "the Biblical sense."
Derived from countless references to your promiscuous mother.

Mount Washington Guy (n, adj)
This is how you feel when you hear someone complaining about something which you experience on a regular basis: you feel like Mount Washington Guy.
My dear friend Faith grew up here in the Northeast US but has since moved to Florida. Once, she complained about the weather being approximately 35°F, at which point I noted that it'd been below 0° and snowing for three days up here, which made her feel a bit silly. By way of comparison, I pointed out that the guy at the Mount Washington Observatory would hear me complain and scoff; hence the phrase.

Nine balls
Anything that's really great "has nine balls."
Adam Foster ("Australian for weak").

Nintendo-hard (adj)
Used to refer to something really, incredibly, frustratingly, needlessly difficult; mostly used in reference to video games, but occasionally sees use in another context.
Many games for the Nintendo Entertainment System were truly fiendish in terms of difficulty. Ask anyone who's played Battletoads.

Ninth Guy, the (n)
Refers to someone who is a member of a group but doesn't actually do any of the things the group does.
Ben Carr, ninth member of skacore band The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, who doesn't play an instrument or sing. His contribution to the band is to dance about frenetically on stage.

Not in my campaign (int)
Expression of disapproval. Notes that things would be different if the speaker were running reality.
Originally used to refer to undesirable concepts in D&D supplements, the term has since evolved into a generic term of disapproval. We used to speak of legendary NIMC gnomes who, when summoned by the utterance of the phrase, would stamp the offending paragraph, page, or book with a large "NIMC" stamp.

NNNN (adj); NNNNer
Refers to something from another country. (Count the letters if it doesn't make sense.)
I'm fairly certain this was coined by a British humorist; either Douglas Adams or Terry Pratchett seem likely candidates, but I can't prove that.

Open the Fun Valve (v)
When you're laughing and having a good time and someone says or does something that, for whatever reason, sucks all the mirth from the room, we speak of the Fun Valve being opened. The most common side effect of the Fun Valve's opening is Pirate Fun.

PHB-heavy (adj)
Refers to something which is much heavier than it should be or something much heavier than it appears to be.
The Dungeons & Dragons Third Edition (and subsequent editions) lists grossly inaccurate weights for common medieval weaponry. One day, I picked up a sword that turned out to be much weightier than it looked and noted that it was "...like, PHB-heavy."

P.Gino's (n); P-Gino's
New England Italian-restaurant chain Papa Gino's.
Originally a victim of the Enemy of the State Fallout Effect; the hyphen was replaced with a period as a play on Sean Combs' ridiculous appellation "P. Diddy." (I suppose these days I should amend it to simply "Gino's.")

Pirate Fun (n)
After the opening of the Fun Valve, all that escaped merriment has to go somewhere. If you've ever been struck by a seemingly originless bout of laughter or joy, you've just enjoyed Pirate Fun.

Reserve Celebrity Hookup (n)
This is the one celebrity whom your significant other is supposed to let you sleep with if the opportunity ever arises. (I used to maintain a list, figuring that if I got one of the names, I'd throw away the list.)

'scoo' (int); Scoo
Shortened form of "it's cool."

Slot-to-tab ratio (n)
Refers to the number of women to men in a given location. A high slot-to-tab ratio is generally desirable; a low StTr is considered a sausage-fest.

Softcore dick (n, adj)
Many softcore-porn films feature lovemaking in positions that would be impossible unless the man were possessed of a three-foot-long, prehensile dolphin dork.
A feat is required to gain this ability: Softcore Dick (requires Dex 15, Con 13, and four ranks in Perform [softcore pornography]).

Special effects (n)
Synonym for "shart," referring to a fart which is accompanied by visual effects.

Take a wicked yes (v)
To urinate.
Family Guy. Peter is learning French and is amused by the French for yes (oui oui).

Tetris (v)
The act of fitting several objects perfectly within a given space. Commonly used to refer to packing a trailer for a show or squeezing things into a space into which they don't really fit.

Thief (v); teef
To steal.

Uninstall (v)
1. The firing of an employee. 2. The demolition of a building or other edifice.

"We didn't go to school with her and she wasn't in softcore."
This is the proper response whenever I say that someone looks familiar. Apparently, according to my hetero lifemate Jay, I always assume that a familiar-looking person (usually a woman) starred in a late-night HBO softcore-porn special or went to one of the same academic institutions I did.

Weiner bomb (int)
General interjection; also used as a taunt or victory shout.
Gamers With Jobs. Podunk initially brought us this phrase, which was apparently shouted over a voice-chat program by a young lad who was doing quite well in whatever FPS they were playing.

Yambag (n)
The testicles or, more commonly, the sac which contains them.
Andrew "Dice" Clay, for whom I otherwise have no use.

"Yeah, you'we pwobabwy wight."
Term of agreement or acknowledgment of another's veracity.
Homestar Runner cartoon, but damn if I remember which one.

Yohimbe (n)
My old 1990 Chevy Lumina sedan. No relation to the sexual stimulant (at the time I adopted the name, I don't believe I even knew what the word meant) and pronounced a bit differently as well. ("yo-HIM-bay.")

Your mom's box (int)
Vulgar reference to the recipient's mother's vagina. Used as a parting salutation.
Opie & Anthony producer Psycho Mark.

'za (n)
Pizza.

Zone (n)
Popcorn.
During high school lunch periods, Jay would usually get a box of popcorn from the cafeteria snack bar. Cephalopod James and I would naturally help ourselves to a few kernels, but Jay resented it and would slap away our hands. When Jim managed several successful popcorn-poaching attempts, he announced that he was "in the zone." Several repeated occurrences later, it stuck and eventually became truncated to its modern form.

Carcolepsy (n)

An affliction characterized by an inability to remain awake in a moving vehicle.

Attributed to Danielle Athanas.

Pimpersonation (v)

Altering one's appearance and mannerisms in order to appear cooler, more affluent, or more pimpalicious.

Attributed to Faith Morrill.

Ursinity (adj)

The measure of a particular creature's (or object's) bearlike-ness; that is, how much it resembles a bear.

Attributed to yours truly.

We've a habit of referring to certain actors by the names of characters they've portrayed; it's especially common with those who've reprised a given
role multiple times. Sometimes, just a variation on the actor's name sticks. In any case, here are a few of the more common ones. Certain of these
are fairly self-explanatory, as is the nature of dealing with people who are lacking in creativity.




Billem	Willem Dafoe (also "Billem Dafoe")
Brucie	Bruce Campbell, star of modern classics such as The Evil Dead and The Man With the Screaming Brain



Bwillis	Bruce Willis, who is also occasionally referred to as "John McClane"



J-Depp	Johnny Depp (as you might imagine)
Sammy LJ	Also known as "Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson"
Turkish	Jason Statham, after his role in Snatch
Matt Gaymon	Michael C. Hall, for his resemblance to Matt Damon and his role as a gay man on Six Feet Under, which leads us to...
Matt Straightmon	Matt Damon (har har, get it?)